Sunday, November 1, 2015

Watch this space

Here's my dilemma: No one reads my blog. But one of the reasons no one reads it is I never write anything. But that's because no one reads it. I dont believe if I posted more that my readership would go up. I don't seem to have "it" - bloganality.

I don't think I've ever tops 100 likes on a Facebook post - and that was probably an adorable pic of one of my kids. Plus, I don't have time to post. I need to find some sort of gainful employment.  Like now. But I hold onto my fantasy of a readership. Even with navel gazing posts like this one.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Will Work For Money and Benefits

I got fired from my job last month. I don't want to fire torpedoes on the way out but, well, I don't have a job, or job prospects, we don't have money and I couldn't be much happier to be gone from my last gig. It was a law firm that represents, among other similar clients,  Monsanto, Chevron and Koch Industries. It always made me feel good at night knowing that my fine work may have helped Charles Koch donate another $100 to the Scott Walker campaign. If you don't see anything wrong with that, have I got a dream job for you.

I'm in the lobby of the Department of Social Services.  I'm applying for public assistance.  I don't know if we'll need it and I doubt they'll even give it to me but expect a miracle but prepare for the worst.  There's about a 30 page application; there's at least 2 pages to find out if you're married with children.  Does a child live with you? Who is the mother? Is she a US citizen? Does the mother live with you? Are you 2 married? Is there a 2nd child in the house?  Etc.  There's no really philosophical way to play this off, this is not a great place to be.

I think I have a nicer phone than anyone here.   Quite a feather in my cap.  I've been waiting awhile and I'm running out of battery. I'm not sure how much longer I'll stay if I can't play Candy Crush.

My wife is against this venture. Besides the general humiliation factor, she thinks I could make better use this time to, say, find a job. But I could look for a job on my phone - if I had more battery and I wasn't playing Candy Crush.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Well, that was relatively painless.  I didn't get the impression we're going to qualify  So I guess I better find some work.

Odd bit of business - outside the Social Services there were not one, not two, but three card tables set up giving away phones and selling phone service.  I don't know the scam but I'm thinking - is that really a coup?  Setting up your business outside THE WELFARE OFFICE?

POST SCRIPT

We were denied benefit.  CalFresh is the only place in the world where the amount you collect in Unemployment Benefits is considered too much money.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Don't Let the Digital Door Hit You

Dear Employer (present or prospective):

Actually, it's kind of creepy if you're reading this.

I mean, you're not my friend.  You're not an admirer.  There's nothing in these pages that you're going to be using as evidence of fine citizenship - I'm only going to be marked down for any perceived negative content - racism, sexism, anarchy, mental imbalance, ties to organized crime.  If you find out that I saved three puppies from drowning, walked around the globe on my one good leg and cured two diseases that had been vexing medical science, what are you going to report back to HR?

"We didn't find anything."

So do me a favor - with all the respect I can muster - please leave.  You have no business here.  You have a legal right to be here but, morally, you're on shifting sand.  You want to know something about me?  Just ask.  Instead of skulking around in electronic closets looking for skeletons.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Fold Like a Cheap Suit


How bad do I feel about myself today? Well, I can't decide if I feel like a LOSER or a FAILURE.

There are things going on at home that I don't care for and I'm back trying, unsuccessfully, to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

But that's not why I'm writing. Today I'm trying to figure out what belongs in a personal essay. What would make you sit on the edge of your seats and what would make you click over to Facebook?  Is blistering honesty good? Naked candor? How about unvarnished truth? I guess that's the challenge. But I do know no one reads this.

Thing iis, if stuff doesn't resolve itself at home and I don't find meaningful employment I don't really care to live. I wouldn't kill myself, most likely, but what's the point of hanging around? To watch the gap widen between what Medicare pays for and how much my body deteriorates? To have my wife become even more disinterested in me and watch when my kids leave the nest?

The most overratrd reason for sticking around is the Children. The Precious Children. I flat out love my kids, but you're going to convince me that they'll be worse off than the younger wealthier daddy that my wife will have inlllstalled before the year is out?  I need to do something that makes a difference to me or to someone else and I don't think the computer help desk at DWP is going to cut it.

Friday, February 28, 2014

By the Numbers

MY NEW LIFE BY THE NUMBERS.
I'm old and I have young chldren, a deadly combo

My Life Is Different

Times I was hit on when I wore a wedding ring: 0
Times I’ve been hit on since I lost my wedding ring: 0
REAL WORLD seasons I watched: 13
REAL WORLD seasons I’ve watched since LAS VEGAS: 0
Episodes I've watched this year of American Idol, Survivor, Bachelor, and the Voice: 0
Number phone for personal phone calls in a day: 2
Number of times on personal phone calls other than my wife: 0
Number of times a month awake until 2:00 am: 0
Number of times a week waking up after 2:00am: 5
Number of new albums I buy every year: 1 (Last, Arctic Monkeys)
Number of years in a row I’ve had to skip my birthday hike:  3, maybe 4
Pairs of shoes + pairs of blue jeans: 2
Times a year I take my wife on a date: 8
Times we see a movie: 2
Best picture nominees seen: 1 GRAVITY
Number of rock concerts seen a year:1 (Last: Deborah Harry & Devo)
Number of morning I bring the girls to school each week: 4
Hours I spend daily with my Galaxy Nexus Phone: A RIDICULOUS amount of time.
Last acting credit: 1999
Number of cats as an adult: 3
Number of cats still living : 0
Number of fantasy baseball leagues: 1
Number of years playing fantasy baseball:25 years
Number of nights a week putting the girls to bed: as many as I can.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

I just had an idea about ideas.



Since no one reads this blog, I thought of the perfect idea:  I'll use it to launch other ideas that are going nowhere.

Here's my latest:  As some of you may or may not know, I have the eating habits of the average 8 year old.  Maybe younger.  I have never eaten tomato.   Or sweet potato.  Or tuna fish.  Or about 300 other foods.  I think if I would eat them I would die.  At the very least, throw up violently.

So my idea is this:  a documentary on getting me to eat like a grown-up.  Kirby (if she's interested) would be perfect to make the food items as palatable as they could be.  I've never been forced to try these foods and I wonder what would happen if I HAD to.  Because the chance to watch someone possibly die is a selling point or there wouldn't be any Cirque de soleil.

Money?  I don't know, kickstarter?  Hell, how am I supposed to know about making movies I can't even feed myself.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The good news: I didn't ruin the party...



There were some pictures posted online from last night's NY Improv 50th Anniversary party.  I wasn't in any of them.  No, I wasn't being elusive, I wasn't invited.  Ouch.  I would like to think that someone had it in for me or some axe to grind, I fear that wasn't the case.  More likely scenario:  it was word of mouth and no one thought to tell me.  Part of my Invisibilization.  Not since I was frosted for the TEEN WOLF reunion have I felt so marginalized, but more on that later.  I don't do stand-up any more but then neither do most of the people I saw in the pictures.  But I guess I don't talk to anyone as much as I think I do.  Being religious can be isolating, that's without taking into account the raising of a family and having a job and all the time that they all take up.  I'm just sad about it, certainly some of my best times come from hanging out at the Improv (NY, LA not so much) and I dearly love a lot of the folks who were there last night.  Also, I missed my opportunity to compare myself and my career to everyone at the party and then find a way to feel shitty by being on the short end of said comparisons.  Ughhh.I'm kind of excited at the idea that I care about missing out on something, it's pretty rare that I feel that way as a grown-up.  During my Improv days, I remember thinking it didn't get any better than this.  I'm not saying that things aren't terrific now I'm just saying that I didn't even have to look back to realize how much fun I was having it the time.  I hope someone has an excuse for a party soon.  Judy?

TEEN WOLF, in contrast, was NOT fun at the time.  The best part was that I got to work with my friend Mark Arnold who played the bad guy.  But everything else kind of sucked.  Everyone was invested in hierarchy and as "Coach's assistant who had one line, cut after the first day" I ranked very low on the totem pole.  To paraphrase an old show biz saying, there are no small parts but that's the way we're going to treat you.  The guy playing Stiles, it turns out, was the guy that an ex-girlfriend went for after she dumped me.  Michael J. Fox and me were actually kind of friends before TEEN WOLF and not so much after.  Oh, I did have some fun - I sat next to Jay Tarses (the Coach) who was hilarious,  and made up most of his lines.  Casting director Paul Ventura, who I also like, called to tell me about said reunion.  He gave me the director's number, and the director never called me back.  So let's say I was semi-invited but, unlike the Improv party, I really didn't want to go.

The last laugh on Teen Wolf, of course, is I still continue to receive hundreds of dollars in residuals every year, for the last 25 years.  It makes me wish I had figured out how to get into more evergreen type movies.