Showing posts from 2018

Day 3? Day 6? Is anyone counting?

I have been incredibly anxious. My stomach is doing somersaults.  There are a number of things that could be causing it:


Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I probably have more anxiety than the average resting person.

I don't want to talk about this in general, why in hell would I want to blog about it. I have a new job, which I like okay, but it doesn't pay enough and I can barely make ends meet.  Plus, it's not the kind of work I'd really like to be doing.

They're old. I'm looking forwarding to seeing them but there's lots of logistics to figure plus we're taking a red eye which isn't any fun.

It could be that.
In the "taking stock of my life" exercise, the best thing going for me is my two daughters and there's nothing else on the list that I can think of.  I really adore them, love their company. they…

Rinse repeat

In case you were checking in to see how I'm doing, I'm still whining.

I hate grieving. I'm bad at it.  I have that voice in my head that says, "you're STILL upset about THAT?  Hasn't it been like over two weeks?  I think you're just wallowing in it."

The thing about grief that I hate - is you can tear off like the next 3 to 6 months - or longer - of the calendar and just know you're going to feel crappy during that time.

If you just read how I felt yesterday, cut and paste it into today.

How close did you shave? This close.

I had a goatee until a few minutes ago. Now I'm clean shaven. It's not a question of why did I shave but why did I have facial hair. Because she liked it. I always hated it.  Reclaiming my life, one face at a time.
Today went a little bit better, not too much better.  I still can't believe that she doesn't want to be married to me. And that she hasn't for some time. We probably first went into counseling over 10 years ago, the biggest issue being that I was a slob (let's not hire a maid when we can pay a therapist). So it seems the seeds of discontent were sown long ago.
Guys are given a bad rap. I went willingly to therapy. I couldn't have worked harder on the overall project. I feel cheated.
I really would like to not care who's fault was what and stuff like that and I'm angry that I'm thinking about it. Somebody took exception with me saying she bailed on out marriage. That's my perception. Suck an egg.
I have 2 girls and if they were th…

Day 2 of Something

I woke up at 4:30 in the morning in a panic. I was coming out of a nightmare, I was hearing noises in the apartment and I wasn't sure if I had remembered to lock the door.

But mostly I was feeling a huge wave of loneliness.  Even with daughters sleeping safely in the next room.

There was the day after she first told me she wanted out.

There was the first night that I couch-surfed as part of our "trial separation."

There was the day she told me she wanted a divorce.

There was the day I slept in my new apartment by myself.

(Jezus, I've had some crappy days)

The waking up and this whole day felt as bad as any of those days, at least so as I can remember.

I read in a "Divorced Dad" website that when women are done with a relationship, there's no going back for them. I obviously don't buy that.  But I probably should have in my case.  I could have saved myself a couple of years.

A sad fact - I don't really know exactly why she left. Which makes me fe…

The Deed is Done - Part 1

I say Part I, because it always seems like there's more.

I spent the day co-parenting with my wife wondering why she had generally been ignoring my requests to talk.  Then at some point, early in the evening, she maneuvered us to be alone.
"So what do you want to talk about?"
Which wind-up do I want to go with short or long? Do I want to give her a chance to refute anything? I opened up my mouth and said, "I'm going to file for divorce."  She basically just said, okay.  Didn't look particularly upset or relieved. She's from the midwest and can be fairly inscrutable.
I don't remember exactly what she said or in what order. She wanted me to know that when she came to me in July to discuss possibly getting back together that she did so in good faith.  Whatever. You also didn't do shit e.g. see a therapist - together or alone - do any agreed upon written work, spend a weekend together to just hang out and talk without the kids around.  Which was…

Just waiting for an in

I'm waiting for the right moment when I can be alone with my wife and tell her that I plan on filing for divorce.
I love my wife.  A lot.  I don't want to get divorced.
You have to know this is the first time in two years I've done anything like this. She's been driving the  divorce bus and I've been standing in front trying to stop it.  
She may be surprised. And/or relieved.
I can't help but rehearse my lines in my head. Should I preface with a speech? Just lay it on her? Simple like, "I want you but I can't have you. So I want out."
How did I get here?
Vital stats: married for 13 years
Together for 2 years before that.
Two daughters ages 12 and 9.
Two years ago, we were sitting around and she seemed particularly pained. I might have brought up the fact that we haven't been intimate in 4 months. I asked her what was wrong. My crazy catastrophic thinking brain said, "oh no. She's really unhappy and wants to end our marriage." T…