I woke up at 4:30 in the morning in a panic. I was coming out of a nightmare, I was hearing noises in the apartment and I wasn't sure if I had remembered to lock the door.
But mostly I was feeling a huge wave of loneliness. Even with daughters sleeping safely in the next room.
There was the day after she first told me she wanted out.
There was the first night that I couch-surfed as part of our "trial separation."
There was the day she told me she wanted a divorce.
There was the day I slept in my new apartment by myself.
(Jezus, I've had some crappy days)
The waking up and this whole day felt as bad as any of those days, at least so as I can remember.
I read in a "Divorced Dad" website that when women are done with a relationship, there's no going back for them. I obviously don't buy that. But I probably should have in my case. I could have saved myself a couple of years.
A sad fact - I don't really know exactly why she left. Which makes me feel like I'm a dipshit. I mean I go to therapy, self-help groups, I occasionally blog, I really should know better. It's somewhere in the vortex between sex and money but I can't pin it down for you.
I have my theories: I had a rough jobless patch for a couple of years. I think she just stopped believing in me. That's what I really think but as I type it it seems like something a guy would say and a woman would say no, we don't think that way. To put it another way, financially, she stopped feeling safe. And it would take a giant pot of gold to change that.
But what difference does it make?
So you don't repeat your mistakes with "the next one." So you aren't deluded. So you could become a better person. I have to admit, these last couple of years of rejection and rebuff have taken its toll on me. Should I have thrown in the towel years ago? Maybe. Do I feel better having given it my all? Barely.
So I've been feeling super-anxious and defeated all day. I'd like to think that I'll wake up tomorrow morning and this will all be in the rearview mirror. But first I have the rest of this evening to get through.