Friday, November 23, 2018

Just waiting for an in

I'm waiting for the right moment when I can be alone with my wife and tell her that I plan on filing for divorce.

I love my wife.  A lot.  I don't want to get divorced.

You have to know this is the first time in two years I've done anything like this. She's been driving the 
divorce bus and I've been standing in front trying to stop it.  

She may be surprised. And/or relieved.

I can't help but rehearse my lines in my head. Should I preface with a speech? Just lay it on her? Simple like, "I want you but I can't have you. So I want out."

How did I get here?

Vital stats: married for 13 years
Together for 2 years before that.
Two daughters ages 12 and 9.

Two years ago, we were sitting around and she seemed particularly pained. I might have brought up the fact that we haven't been intimate in 4 months. I asked her what was wrong. My crazy catastrophic thinking brain said, "oh no. She's really unhappy and wants to end our marriage." This time I was right. She told me she was in a lot of psychic pain and didn't want to continue in our marriage.
This was like a simultaneous shot to the head and stomach. My worst nightmare come true. I could barely think or talk. I said, "if I didn't ask, when were you going to to tell me?"

She said, "I wasn't."

I wrote her a Hail Mary letter. Coming clean about where I'd fallen short in our marriage and where I might improve. Also tell her how much I loved her. She thanked me and said the letter had some impact. She made us an appointment to see our couples therapist. I was feeling hopeful.

As soon as we got into therapy she tells our therapist, "I want out,". She asked my wife to be more specific, my wife answered, "I want a trial separation." This whole thing was a set up. She had no intention of us talking to the therapist about saving our marriage and the therapist just facilitated the separation. Not even a question of "why" or "are you sure". Just logistics. My wife wanted cover in case I freaked out on her or something.

Somehow, I agreed to leave our house. I mean, it was her separation I certainly was entitled to stay in the house and have beer be inconvenienced. But I just said I'd leave. Partly because of the girls. Partly because I didn't want to make her mad.

After 5 months of living elsewhere she invited me to come home.  Sort of.  After 8 months we went back to the therapist where she announced that she wanted a divorce.

This time I was done. I had spent over a year trying to convince her to work on our relationship, after awhile, I dunno, some dignity has to kick in.

I rented an apartment, about three blocks away -  so I could continue to see the kids.

And then in July she said she wanted to reconsider her decision.  But it hasn't been much entertaining.  I don't frankly know what she's been doing all this time, but it's not reconciling.  I've just had enough.

So a couple of days ago I told her I wanted to to make time to talk to her.  She said, "What about?"  I said, "us."  She said, "Thanksgiving."  Well, Thanksgiving came and went and I left her a text saying, "I'd still like to talk to you." So she just called me to talk about our various plans for the next few days.  I waited for her to bring it up.  She didn't.  i'll see her in a couple of hours and try again but, jeez, what does a guy gotta do to dump his wife?

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