The Deed is Done - Part 1
I say Part I, because it always seems like there's more.
I spent the day co-parenting with my wife wondering why she had generally been ignoring my requests to talk. Then at some point, early in the evening, she maneuvered us to be alone.
"So what do you want to talk about?"
Which wind-up do I want to go with short or long? Do I want to give her a chance to refute anything? I opened up my mouth and said, "I'm going to file for divorce." She basically just said, okay. Didn't look particularly upset or relieved. She's from the midwest and can be fairly inscrutable.
I don't remember exactly what she said or in what order. She wanted me to know that when she came to me in July to discuss possibly getting back together that she did so in good faith. Whatever. You also didn't do shit e.g. see a therapist - together or alone - do any agreed upon written work, spend a weekend together to just hang out and talk without the kids around. Which was YOUR idea, and when I'd offer a date you'd say, "you understand that we're not having sex." Twice you did that, zero times did you agree on a date. What I really believe is that you missed me and you wanted to try and keep me from drifting further away, but had no intention of reconciling. Yes, I'm upset. I'm upset in the way that Charlie Brown got pissed at Lucy for pulling the football away.
She brought up how we spoke about a month ago and when I asked what was n her heart she said, "I'm conflicted." I should have said what in the Sam Hill are you talking about. You're conflicted about what? You don't know what you want after months/years of jerking me around? And the other thing she said was, "we want different things." Now I'm really baffled. I don't really want to engage but I'd love to know what different things she thinks we want. I want a marriage, she wants to start a semi-pro women's softball league?
There was a year of "trial separation" and 6 months of "we're going to get divorced" followed by these last several months of, as you put it, "I want to see what it would be like if we were back together." At every turn I've been trying to get her back. Do everything in the service of our relationship. Mostly feeling, for these last couple of years, that I've been in this relationship by myself.
Today was the first day I put a stop to it. You win, you've pushed me away for good. I hope this is what you want, because I'm not coming back. Unless, you know, you ask me to.
I don't feel relieved or empowered, just incredibly sad. And angry.
After that, I told her about my divorce plans. The discussion was amicable. I told her I wanted to write up a letter of agreement where I outlined when I would try to accomplish in the divorce paperwork. From there I plan on filling out the divorce applications and have her and/or a lawyer go over them and then file for a default. Having our agreements in writing and saving ourselves another $435 filing fee.
I expressed that I didn't think there was much to discuss. She could have everything in her house plus the car and I would just keep my stuff. There isn't anything else, really. She offered up that the piano in her house is mine. As long as Amalia is taking piano lessons, I'm happy to have her have it but, honestly, I see her dropping it soon. She also offered to split the cost of the filing fee. Which was decent., I must say.
Overall, I feel shitty. Much worse than I planned on feeling.
You know what really frosts me? That I have to act like our split was a "mutual decision" in front of my kids, I can't tell them that I'd prefer to stay married to their mother but that she fucked bailed on our marriage. I can't remember who it was who told me that I shouldn't refer to it as her bailing on me or our marriage. If you have a better description for what she did, I'm all ears.